The longer I live, the fatter members of the public appear to become (myself included, sadly). Obesity is an epidemic across the western world (or just across countries where people can afford to remain really fat). Luckily the British Medical Association (and other worldwide medical associations) are on hand to try and find ways to beat fatness. I have a few ideas of my own and, I figured, any unsolicited ideas could only be welcomed at the BMA. I therefore fired off a quick email before I settled down to enjoy a curry and then a big slice of Arctic roll. Don't worry kids, I did 30 press ups before I went to bed in order to keep myself firmly in the "overweight" rather than "obese" category as laid down by BMI calculations. These scientists don't realise, however, that I am a raging tank of pure muscle (and a bit of fat).

You may be interested to know that Manuel Uribe, aged 41 and from Mexico, is the current holder of the title - world's fattest man, weighing in at an eye-popping 88 stone. Now, I can't help but wonder to myself whether there was a time when Manuel got to, say, 50 stone and thought to himself "I am seriously, dangerously fat, I'd better get myself checked out and perhaps do something about it". Then after a few more hours sitting about, and perhaps ten pizzas, he thought about it some more and said "Nah, sod it, I could probably get away with putting on another 38 stone or so, I'll do something about it then". In a recent news report (where he declared himself glad to be the world's fattest man, a title akin to world's most ill man) it was revealed that Uribe has spent most of the last 20 years in bed. There are a few possible questions here, the most important of which is – who is bringing him food while he lies in bed? I may be able to help Senor Uribe here with this simple suggestion – why not try getting out of bed and walking around a bit?

Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2007 18:59:36 +0100 (BST)

From: Hilary Fortnum

To: The British Medical Association

Re: The BMA's Quest to eliminate fat people (or at least change fat people into thinner people)

Dear Sirs,

I have a few constructive thoughts which I thought you might want to factor into your quest to eliminate obesity.

Probably the worst idea in modern medicine (at least that I have seen) has been the provision of wheelchairs to morbidly obese people. There's a bloke in Boston Spa who is over 30 stone and he shoots around in a motorised cart happy as Larry. The problem is, he was only about 25 stone when he got the wheelchair. If there is anything that will guarantee that a fat person will continue to pile on the pounds it is telling them that they can sit down all the time, even when they are on the move.

It would seem to me that they would be better off having all opportunities to sit down taken away from them. Forget stomach stapling and other extreme forms of surgery and fad diets, no, what is needed is an incentive to keep fatties on their feet. Here is my plan:

First up, put their telly onto BBC4 and then confiscate their remote control. This will present a stark choice – you either sit and watch a biopic on Dmitri Shostakovich or you get up off your arse and change the channel on your Sky Box so you can watch Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway. I can't see how this could fail; my wife Anne's friend Gwen's husband Pete lost 3 pounds in a week when he lost his Sky remote.

Next up, I would have removal men come round and remove all of the sofas from the living room. Watch the pounds fly off as a fat man shifts from foot to foot as he tries to stand and watch Holby City.

After that, arrange for a plumber to remove the toilet from the bathroom and reassemble it in the shed at the bottom of the garden. Then lace the subject's fourth meal of the day with laxatives. Not only will the laxative effect help the subject to lose pounds, his (or her) constant (and increasingly urgent) trips to the outside loo will help them to get fit as they hurtle down the garden anxiously grasping their back entrance. [Warning – very lazy fatties may just choose to shit themselves and sit in their own filth. This is why it is very important to remove their sofas. The warm and wet sensation of faecal matter running down your leg is almost impossible to ignore, even if X Factor is on]

A week of that should do for starters. Twin this with eating less and actually doing some exercise and, within weeks, a person weighing 30 stone would probably have lost the equivalent weight of a 12 year old boy. Unless they have wheat intolerance, in which case they may as well carry on being massive.

If you would like me to develop further my simple 1 week plan then please do get in touch.

Yours greedily,

Hilary Fortnum