Some news stories require bravery, determination, insight and passion from the journalist. My congratulations are therefore extended to Digital Spy journalist David Balls for this: 

Jessica Simpson 'farts in business meeting'

But while David put his Balls on the line by breaking this windy incident I was surprised that there was very little investigative follow up in the world’s press. It was as if every self-disdaining media outlet across the globe simply copied and pasted Balls’ article. What about investigation? What about getting to the sub-text of the story? What about covering the aftermath? What will be the fallout from Simpson’s fart? (hopefully not some residual faecal matter but we can’t rule it out).

It was left to me.

This is Hilary Fortnum, Hilary Fortnum’s blog news, reporting on Jessica Simpson’s anal exhalation …

Simpson’s “good vibrations” caused big fart in meeting

Jessica Simpson’s bumhole has been in trouble this week causing a big stink across the world's press - but what of the inside story?

Well, this reporter has delved a little deeper into the whole scandal to get the full picture. It transpires that according to “science” Simpson stores her rectal gas in her intestines. Her intestine squeezes its contents towards her anus via a series of contractions by a process called peristalsis. The very loud sound emitted by Simpson during the business meeting was caused by vibrations of the anal opening. The sound made by a “pump”, “blow off”, “bottom burp” or “turd alarm” is dependent on the velocity of the expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.

Simpson’s backside. At the approximate centre of the object is her anal passage and opening. Rectal gas, thought to have been caused by oxygen which Simpson had previously inhaled and which had passed through her intestine, caused Simpson’s passage to vibrate loudly in an inappropriate setting. 

Others who are believed to have flatulated before include Sting, Queen Silvia of Sweden and Anna Wing (who played Lou Beale in Eastenders). In 1682 Temperance Lloyd, Mary Trembles and Susanna Edwards were the last women to be executed in England for witchcraft. Contrary to her name it is believed that Temperance let rip with an enormous fart as her dying body twitched at the end of her rope. Like Jessica Simpson's recent bumhole exhalation it must have been hilarious. Interestingly enough it turns out that Temperance Lloyd was not actually capable of performing any magic or witchcraft at all.  

So far Jessica Simpson has refused to comment on the matters raised in this article, however, she has previously gone on record as saying that “God doesn't listen to our adjectives and adverbs. He listens to the simple need we have in our hearts. Pray with pure and simple FAITH”. So she prefers God to science. We can’t be sure whether she is equally dismissive of the science of the passing of rectal gas.

Simpson. Deeply religious.