“There’s no such thing as bad publicity” or so the saying goes. Just ask Primrose Shipman. No-one had heard of her until her husband Harold murdered over 200 pensioners but now, according to Wikipedia, she’s the fourth most famous person from Wetherby[1]. 

One company that certainly ascribes to that maxim is BeautifulPeople.com a dating website which offers access only to persons who are aesthetically handsome (but unable to get a date). BeautifulPeople.com started 2010 by leaking the “fact” that they had kicked off 5,000 members because they gained weight during the holiday period. Putting aside the ludicrous suggestion that BeautifulPeople.com were able to accurately assess that 5,000 members had indeed put on considerable weight and thus were no longer “beautiful”[2], and taking the story on face value, this is the Press Release equivalent of walking into work in the new year and announcing over the intercom system “I’m a total shit”. What BeautifulPeople.com know, however, is that their members are “total shits” and so are their potential new members. It’s no surprise therefore that their website currently generates the following message: “The huge media coverage is currently generating so much traffic on our servers that we have had to limit some users from using the site. We are sorry for the inconvenience”.  

Now, I’m no Ian Stafford, but I’m not conventionally attractive[3]. So therefore me joining BeautifulPeople.com is out of the question. Ted Bundy, on the other hand, was quite a looker. 

Granted Bundy killed over 30 innocent victims in the 1970s but this shouldn’t really be a bar to Bundy’s acceptance provided he doesn’t kill anyone he meets online. The female members of the website simply vote as to whether Bundy is “hot” or “not”. So I thought I’d make a posthumous application on Bundy’s behalf. 

In the meantime, I had some negative publicity of my own to generate. Perhaps this would get me a last minute place on Celebrity Big Brother wherein I could garner even more bad press and make money off the back of it. 

To – the Press 

Fortnum “doesn’t recycle properly” 

Hilary Fortnum, blogger, thinker and sitter, has today admitted that he doesn’t always sort properly through his rubbish to make sure that all recyclable material goes in the correct bins. In a brazened statement of defiance Fortnum said “It can be a bit of a hassle”. 

Fortnum, who is not alleged to be involved in any murders, is nonetheless a real baddy. He recently pretended not to be in when a charity collector came around and has lied to at least three old-aged pensioners. 

A person who has some association with Fortnum said “People are c__ts”.