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What is the worst criminal offence you can imagine? Murder? Terrorism? One of those internet scams where they tell you you’ve won the Dutch lottery? I’d like to add another crime to that list – necro-bestiality. Unfortunately, the UK Government doesn’t seem to agree and, in 2003, when the Sexual Offences Act received the Royal Assent it criminalised the act of having sex with a “living animal” (section 69) and “the body of a dead person” (section 70). No mention of sex with a dead animal. This wasn’t something that would have occurred to me if it hadn’t have been for an email I received out of the blue from a lawyer called Sir Montague de Courcey Rampton, and so the campaign was born … And here it is in a nicely compact order for you to read through at leisure. The original agony uncle column which started this whole she-bang. Necro-bestiality wasn’t something I had heard of until I decided to invite my “differently educated” readers to send in their problems for me to have a stab at resolving. One particular reader (known only as “Araxante”) had a problem with erotic feelings towards deceased animals … Sir Montague’s advice. Following my advice to Araxante I was shocked to hear from a learned lawyer that this young man was not committing a criminal offence by scouring the countryside looking for deceased badgers, toads and pheasants to interfere with … The campaign commences. And so my quest began. I wrote to the Justice Ministry to find out what the hell they were playing at, I sought support from opposition MPs David Davis and Stephen Williams and I tried to get the Daily Mail irate about the issue … The good Lord. Some more digging ensued (both in my garden to remove a troublesome piece of concrete that has been there for a number of years and on the internet to see if I could find more support for the campaign) and I soon found that Lord Lucas, a self-proclaimed libertarian, had challenged the passing of the Sexual Offence Act and asked why necro-bestiality had been excluded. I tried to get him on board immediately … Into the Marsh. I needed some of the world’s most prominent and respected animals rights activists to support the campaign. So I wrote to glamour model Jodie Marsh … Join my gang. Using the power of “social networking” (a bit of narcissism) I was able to set up groups on Facebook and MySpace to encourage further support (which continues to flood in in its ones and twos). So that it looks like a real proper campaign. There were even some posters. A Cheeky approach. And then I tried to get Lembit Öpik involved. He would have the double advantage of being an MP and a celebrity. The people speak. The response to the poster campaign has been breath-taking. Some of my readers have plenty of talent for copying and pasting and far too much time on their hands.
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Section 70A 
