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I should think that an executive summary is in order - there's a man who declares himself Emperor of the USA, he's bonkers, I got in touch with him, realised that I could fulfil similar ambitions by becoming the King of Wetherby (and surrounding areas), I contacted the UK Government, they acquiesced (by failing to respond), the "people" supported me in an online petition and, while I was at it, I became the WBA Heavyweight Champion of the World (when Ruslan Chagaev failed to even acknowledge receipt).  Anyway, this is how it all happened ... In November 2007 I got in touch with the ruler of the most powerful nation in the world. George Bush you say? Wrong. I present - HRM Caesar St. Augustine de Buonaparte, true Angel of God and Emperor of the United States of Turtle Island of the continent of North Pangaea. Or as you and I know it, the USA. During the 1990s HRM Buonaparte wrote to then President, Bill Clinton, declaring war on the United States and declaring himself as Emperor. He then claimed that Clinton's failure to respond to his letter was an implicit acceptance of defeat by the US regime and he has assumed the role of Emperor ever since. I've often used this tactic when Terry Corbett has invited me to the pub on a Tuesday night. I will mutter something up the stairs to Anne about "just popping out" mumble mumble "pub" mumble "Terry" mumble "may be a while" mumble mumble mumble. If she hasn't responded by the time I've got my coat on then it is an implicit acceptance. I'm not sure it applies to ruling countries though. I came across the Emperor, posting dramatic and barely punctuated comments on a website devoted to notorious hoaxes. You may think that odd for a world leader, however, Kim Jong Il posts messages on a pigeon fancying website and Belgian Prime Minister, Guy Verhofstadt is often caught bickering with Limp Bizkit fans in the forum on their official website. One japester on the website, and in response to the Emperor, baits him about his poor punctuation. All is explained by the great one, however - "I intentionally left errors … it's one of my ployes [sic] to get reactions". A bit like the Da Vinci Code, I imagine. A barely literate version. The final posting from the Emperor left me with great sadness and led me to reason that I could help him to actually achieve his goal, rather than just imaging that he is the Emperor of the United States of Turtle Island. "well I guess no one cares, it's awful lonely being an Emperor or claimed President of the U.S. but at least I'm trying to stay alive for what reason I don't know L.A. is destroying me and circumstances are taking every valued thing I Own" I immediately motored into action. Message - Dearest Emperor, Your most recent message has caused me heavy heart. I am very sad that L.A. is destroying the rightful heir of the United States of Turtle Island before he is able to effect his accession. Maybe I can be of assistance? If you are going to successfully and actually overthrow the US government you are going to have a few obstacles to overcome. First up you are going to need a military force, the like of which the world has never seen before, however, we can worry about that later. In the meantime, you need a campaign manager. Now, I can't say that my involvement in politics has been 100% successful. I applied to be the Conservative candidate for the Lord Mayor of London last year but was rejected out of hand. I have voted before though, so I have some idea how it all works. It is all very well and good you declaring your divine right to serve as Emperor of the US, however, that might not be enough. It cost Charles I his head in 1649, however, things have moved on since the 17th Century and it is impossible to believe that any Western democracy still employs the death sentence, even for high treason (you'd probably just get a fine or some community service). Your divine right is a given. You said so, what more do people need? Well, that is where I come in. You need some popular support. I have taken the liberty of posting an advertisement on the US Free Ads website. It reads as follows: A Coup de fou Support needed for peaceful coup to overthrow the government of the United States. This ad is placed on behalf of the true and rightful ruler of the United States of Turtle Island of the continent of North Pangaea (details available on request). Genuine enquiries only, no time wasters or FBI agents please. I reckon this should do the trick. What do you reckon? I'll let you know how it all goes. Your humble servant, Hilary Fortnum Posted by Hilary Fortnum in Wetherby, West Yorkshire at 12:55 PM Less than a week later His Majesty responded to me. Strangely he tracked me down through my MySpace site (which didn't scare me at all) and sent the following greeting. From: Katrina Subject: reply to your message This is His Majesty Emperor of the alleged United States. Two days ago, the United States Secret Service came to my house to question me about being a threat to the alleged current President of the hypocritical United States of America. The Untied States was overthrown October of 1996. It was overthrown symbolically in reverence to all the deaths, especially innocent children that have been murdered by all the tax-paying citizens of the United States. It is the most detesting, illogical, and terroristic to even remotely represent Liberty, Justice, Equality, and Freedom to take money with the name of God printed on it and kill people with it. Anyone repeatedly doing this, is a sick deplorable sub-creature, not worthy of even being called Human. That sub-creature has no idea or even a clue of what real Love is. Now you, as I did, may think it strange that His Majesty uses a MySpace page under the name Katrina (not the hurricane, apparently, just a 29 year old lady who preaches "Love, Harmony, Joy, Peace, Serenity, Unity" – and why not). What you need to understand, of course, is that His Majesty is a marked man, it's a ruse, and a bloody good one. I got back in touch immediately. From: Hilary Fortnum Subject: RE: reply to your message Dearest Majesty Emperor of the alleged United States, It was a great honour to receive your message. I very much like your approach to coups, it saves on time, expense and bloodshed. With this in mind, and in order to make myself a more powerful ally to you, I have today performed a similar coup on Wetherby, Boston Spa, Collingham and Bramham (and surrounding). I have sent the following message to the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (cc Wetherby Town Council). From: Hilary Fortnum To: Prime Minister Brown Subject: Friendly Coup of Wetherby, Boston Spa, Collingham and Bramham (and surrounding) Dear Prime Minister (or Gordon, if I may), You've heard of the divine right of Monarchs? Of course you have. Well, it may interest you to know that I can trace my bloodline all the way back to King Arthur (he of the mythical Camelot and the Knights of the Round Table). Over the years, Arthur's claims to rule the United Kingdom and territories have waned slightly (what with the passing of time, him never existing etc). Our family has, however, maintained a claim over Wetherby, Boston Spa, Collingham and Bramham (and surrounding). In those circumstances I am today declaring myself as King Hilary of Wetherby and surrounding areas. Unless I hear from you substantively within 3 working days (reasonable requests for an extension of time will be considered) I will assume my God-given (and inalienable) right and just, basically, start lording it up around town. Kind regards etc etc PS – Can I have Hazlewood Castle in Tadcaster as my base? It is a lovely castle. I reckon I'll do some jousts there. While I was at it I thought I'd better bag one other title. Just to impress you a bit more. Uzbekistani boxer Ruslan Chagaev is the current World WBA Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World. I'm now 60 years old and not even George Foreman would be able to take on the man known as the "White Tyson", notwithstanding that, I laid down the following challenge to the Uzbekistan Ministry of Cultural and Sports Affairs. From: Hilary Fortnum To:
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Subject: Ruslan Chagaev – WBA Title Challenge Dear Sirs, Allow me to introduce myself. I am Hilary Francis Fortnum. Aged 60 and from Wetherby in West Yorkshire, England. My experience of boxing to date has been strictly amateur, however, in 1957 I gave George "Pretty Boy" Garson one hell of a beating outside the gates of St Joseph's Primary School (he had committed a grievous act on a frog I had owned called Stanley). In short, I would like to challenge Ruslan Chagaev to a 12-round boxing bout under the authority of the WBA. The World WBA Title would be at stake in the match. I am free in January (and this would give me just over a month to do a few press ups) and I would suggest that the new Wembley Stadium in London would be as good a venue as any. Unless I hear from you within 7 working days I will assume that Mr Chagaev has refused my challenge and I will consider myself to be the new World WBA Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World. Kind regards, Hilary Fortnum PS – you do realise that, if Mr Chagaev accepts my challenge, then I am in serious trouble? Think about it. Anyway, your Majesty, I'll let you know how it all goes. Yours, HR (Hilary Rex) Three working days passed and the Prime Minister was conspicuously silent. My quest to become reigning monarch of Wetherby (and surrounding areas) had thus been given the (tacit) green light by the UK Government. As far as I was concerned I was by now King Hilary I of Wetherby (and surrounding areas). I needed to make it official, however, and needed the support of the people. Without popular support I might end up like Bonnie Prince Charlie (over the sea to Skye) or, even worse, like King Charles I (beheaded). I didn't want that. So I posted a petition on the Prime Minister's website. As far as I was concerned, once I had a significant number of signatories to the petition, the UK Government would be in touch to discuss paperwork, utility bills and the hand over of complete power. The petition read as follows. We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to … decree that King Hilary I of Wetherby, who drinks in the Black Bull Inn and occasionally in the Admiral Hawke in Boston Spa, be handed control of all of the territories known as Wetherby, Boston Spa, Collingham and Bramham (and surrounding, including Hazlewood Castle which is a lovely castle in Tadcaster). The UK will recognise King Hilary I as the sole ruler of, what will become known as, The Kingdom of Wetherby (and surrounding areas). The hand over of power will be marked by a right old knees up at a venue to be confirmed (King Hilary's wife, Queen Anne, will lay on some sandwiches and a crumble). Details On 11 November 2007 King Hilary I of Wetherby (and surrounding areas) sent an email to Gordon Brown, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, declaring his divine right to the Kingdom of Wetherby (and surrounding areas), through his clear and undoubted bloodline to fictional monarch King Arthur. Acknowledging that King Arthur had been off the scene for quite some time, King Hilary demanded only that the UK Government grant him, not the whole of the United Kingdom, but just the areas of Wetherby, Boston Spa, Collingham and Bramham (and the nice surrounding villages, including Hazlewood Castle which is a lovely castle in Tadcaster) to rule as his Kingdom and dominion. He asked for a response within 3 working days, failing which King Hilary would assume control of his Kingdom. That was 3 working days ago and nothing has been received. King Hilary's coronation occurred during a low key event today (just after watching Cash in the Attic on BBC1). This petition seeks to force the UK Government to publicly recognise King Hilary's accession to the throne and to publicly recognise the Kingdom of Wetherby (and surrounding areas) as an independent kingdom. I was, alas, hit by a wall of bureaucracy and red tape. The PM and his cronies rejected the petition out of hand sending the following message. From: 10 Downing Street Subject: Your petition has been rejected Hi, I'm sorry to inform you that your petition has been rejected. Your petition has been classed as being in the following categories: - Intended to be humourous, or has no point about government policy "intended" to be humorous? Now I always knew that Mr Brown was a humourless fellow (I must resist the urge to make a lazy reference to him being "dour Scot") but I thought that he would see this as the perfect opportunity to distract the masses from the rubbish start to his premiership. Something like – "a good day to highlight amusing news". Alas, he was not playing ball. I hadn't finished, however. I got straight onto one of those public petition sites (for busy-bodies and time-wasters) and posted the petition there. http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/kinghilary/ In the meantime, the seven working days I had given the Uzbekistan Ministry of Cultural and Sports Affairs to respond to my challenge were now up. All I needed to do was get into contact with the World Boxing Association (WBA) to confirm that the title had changed hands. I figured that a quick email would do the trick. From: Hilary Fortnum To: World Boxing Association Subject: New World Heavyweight Champion (me) Dear Sirs, You may or may not have heard that I recently defeated Ruslan Chagaev in a 12-round World Championship bout. How did I do that? I gave the Uzbekistan Ministry of Cultural and Sports Affairs 7 days to respond to my challenge to fight Chagaev (copy attached). The result? They didn't reply and I achieved a (very) technical knockout. Can you please let me know what I have to do next? I'm presuming that you will put out some kind of press releases and no doubt I will have to prepare to defend my belt (can I suggest Audley Harrison as an opponent to at least give me some chance, I am 60 years old after all). One further question – is it ok to wear the belt around town and down the pub? I would dearly love to show it off. Having it stolen won't be a problem, as I have recently been crowned King of Wetherby (and surrounding areas). Don't worry, I'm not completely mental. Yours as a champion, King Hilary I of Wetherby (and surrounding areas) WBA World Heavyweight Champion PS – I'm thinking about doing a TV deal with Setanta Sports Ah, yes, Setanta Sports. A channel which broadcasts such sporting events as the "Caribbean Workout" and Irish Motorsport is sure to want to broadcast the improbable underdog tale of a 60 year old recently (self) appointed monarch who has achieved World Heavyweight glory, via email. From: Hilary Fortnum To: Setanta Sports Subject: A King's Tale Dear Sirs, This week the world of boxing has been rocked by the news that retired 60 year old (and part-time reigning monarch) Hilary Fortnum has beaten Ruslan Chagaev to become the WBA World Heavyweight boxing champion. The victory, achieved when the Uzbekistan Ministry of Cultural and Sports Affairs failed to respond to an email sent by Fortnum, is set to send shockwaves throughout sport. Having seen your recent coverage of MSV Duisburg vs. Vfl Bochum I reasoned that I should give Setanta the first opportunity to cover the story. As to the bout itself, admittedly there isn't much to show. You could perhaps film me drafting my email to the Uzbekistan Ministry of Cultural and Sports Affairs and then dramatically cut to an Uzbekistani bureaucrat sitting at his desk, failing to respond. The exciting bit is the aftermath. How does an open top bus ride from Wetherby Bus Station, through the streets of Wetherby and on to Boston Spa High Street grab you? The beauty of it is that you wouldn't have to lay on a specially arranged bus as the number 174 travels that route every couple of hours or so. I could just get on the roof with a few hangers on (I know someone who knows Clive Mantle, who used to be in Casualty, it would be good to have him there) and punch the air and wave at passers by. The 174 does pick up the pace a bit along the A659 but I reckon that I could hang on alright. Granted, it's not so much an open top bus, more me standing on the roof of a normal bus, but the effect could be equally moving. I'll be looking to do it next Tuesday. What do you reckon? Yours triumphantly, King Hilary I of Wetherby (and surrounding areas) As far as I was concerned my accession to the throne of Wetherby (and surrounding areas) and to the WBA belt was complete. The PM might not have thought that the scheme was a very good idea but the public had other ideas. To date the (un)official petition has received over 150 signatures. Lets put this into context. The population of Wetherby is, according to the council, "approximately 15,212" (it seems quite an accurate figure to me, I'm not sure what the margin for error is). 150 signatories (assuming that they all come from Wetherby which, for these purposes, is a leap of faith I'm prepared to make) then that is 0.98606363397317906% of the population of Wetherby (approximately) who have made a positive step towards devolution away from the United Kingdom under the rule of a King with no history of government and a dubious, if not non-existent, claim to the throne. Put another way an overwhelming 100% of people who have taken the time to sign an internet petition favour such an event. After all was said and done I had a sit down and then just got on with some jobs in the garden. That doesn't mean that this whole adventure is over though, there is much to sort out. Being a King is some responsibility (and the petition continues, sign it if you haven't already - Wetherby Needs You). There is talk of an imminent war with Malta and there is irrigation and sewerage to sort out. I'll definitely get around to it some day. Thank you for listening. King Hilary I of Wetherby (and surrounding areas)
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