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Hilary Francis Fortnum
Monday, 31 December 2007

 

In June 2006 a man was wrenched from his employment and forced to accept a (albeit generous) redundancy package, having served the same company for some 41 years.

That man was Hilary Francis Fortnum. I am that aforementioned person.

Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary it is clear to me that I have led an amazing life. From discovering an ants' nest in my mother's back garden in 1954, to seeing Tommy Cannon at the Elvington Air Show in 1989, my life has been a rollercoaster of experiences, emotions, challenges and team bonding exercises. That is why I have chosen to write it all down and, at the beginning of 2007 I started to write my autobiography, provisionally titled - Hilary Fortnum - The Autobiography. I am currently less than a third of the way through.

In the meantime I have spent my retirement doing jobs in the garden, going to the pub with my best friend Terry Corbett and sending emails to the great and the good, and the rubbish. It started when I tried to get the national press (and Max Clifford) interested in a story about a wasps' nest and has taken me on a journey that has seen me have my heart broken by Calum Best, failed to break the world press up record, been reassured that there is nothing extraordinary about having four poos in one day and, ultimately, be crowned King of Wetherby (and surrounding areas) and the WBA Heavyweight Champion of the World (both in the same week). More recently I have become a campaigner on behalf of dead animals (even foxes) seeking to outlaw the shocking practice of necro-bestiality.

I have also guest edited Heat magazine (kind of), advised the British Medical Association on how to tackle obesity and tried to avoid hell by wearing a wristband.   

Much of all of this is charted in this website (what started as a mini-project on MySpace has ballooned into a slightly larger one on my own website) and anything that doesn't appear on the website will be in the book which I hope to self-publish before I die (unless any book publishers want to take a chance on my story).

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the website. You might be best placed reading the "News" section first, it contains all my notes, communications and scrawlings. If you like what you read, why not join the Hilary Army (see the link on the left hand side).

 

Last Updated ( Thursday, 12 June 2008 )
 
The Changing Face of Hilary Fortnum
Saturday, 02 August 2008

 

Have you ever wondered what you would look like after plastic surgery? No, me neither. But some people do, that is why ModiFace.com (yes, ModiFace) allow you to upload a photograph of yourself and marvel at the miracles of technology as you receive a “virtual facelift”. ModiFace use “patent-pending technology” (i.e. technology without a patent) to make your photo look a bit blurry. Here’s my effort – Hilary at ModiFace.com 

Or have you ever wondered what you would look like with different colour hair? Yes, I have actually. Here is me with a blue rinse, just like Anne’s mother Doris had before she died. Do you feel that they’ve just coloured in the background? Or is my hair too porous? 

In other news this week – we have four new posters for the Section 70a campaign. View them all here and I’ve received two not-uninteresting letters from readers here.  

 

 

Last Updated ( Saturday, 02 August 2008 )
 
CIACSUNCE
Saturday, 10 May 2008

 

 

Inspired by this letter from lawyer Sir Montague de Courcey Rampton I have commenced my most noble and important campaign so far – to criminalise the act of necro-bestiality (having sex with a dead animal to you and I). I have no idea if anyone out there is actually performing this heinous act on animal corpses but, I figure, why take a chance? The campaign is under way immediately with letters to the Justice Ministry, Stephen Williams MP, David Davis MP and the Daily Mail. 

You too can support the campaign by writing to your local MP, standing on a street corner shouting through a loud-hailer or just thinking “that’s a good idea”.

And I have contacted a prominent and powerful supporter to the cause - Lord Lucas. With his knowledge of politics and felching I can't fail to get a bill through parliament outlawing necro-bestiality. Here's my missive to him.

You can now support the cause by joining the Facebook and MySpace groups I've set up to promote the campaign.

I've tried to garner support from animal rights activist (and boob shower) Jodie Marsh and from celebrity MP Lembit Öpik but neither of them seem that bothered. Presumably they think it's ok to bugger a dead sheep, I know I don't.

 

 

 

   

 

Last Updated ( Monday, 09 June 2008 )
 

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